


Domestic

by ZeroGravityInq



Series: Kicking and Screaming [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bromance, Comedy, Everyone seems cool with this turn of events, From Dark Lord to Dork Lord, Harry is fifty shades of DONE, M/M, May I introduce: Soft Jumper Boi Tom, No Romance, Slice of Life, Voldemort finds this hilarious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:43:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeroGravityInq/pseuds/ZeroGravityInq
Summary: Expectation: Voldemort kidnaps Harry at the battle of the ministry and brainwashing him into his dark consort and destroys wizarding britain.Reality: Voldemort kidnaps Harry during the battle of the ministry and gives him love and affection, no longer is a dark lord, and Harry stays because he loves his new life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a more light and crack-ish version of a fict I am going to post sooner or later. That one is a lot more tightly scripted, this one is more of exploring the concept. May get darker, probably won’t

Prophecy: Smashed

Sirius: Dead

Emotions: High

Harry Potter forcefully wishes he was anywhere but here.

There are some days where Harry wished that he didn’t get out of bed. Some years he wished he was still in his cupboard. Some lifetimes he just wanted everything to stop. 

Today or rather tonight, Harry, along with various members of the DA, were battling the Death Eaters. The Order of the Phoenix have arrived and was also battling the Death Eaters. 

And Sirius was dead. 

Amazing how he was so highly distraught over this but now he felt nothing. He felt empty. Like someone had reached inside and hollowed out his insides. At a blink, there was rage there and in another, there was nothing. Just exhaustion. 

He dispatched another Death Eater, looked up and met Voldemort’s eyes. 

Well at least he think he did. 

The man looking at him was red- eyed, yes, but like the light hitting brown eyes in an odd way. Tall, but not overwhelmingly so. Handsome but as an older man who has settled into his looks. He wasn’t thin, he wasn’t even dramatic. If Harry hadn’t looked up at the right moment, his eyes would have slif off of casually tousled brown hair flecked with greys. 

Maybe it was his lack of wizarding robes that threw Harry off, clad in a dark colored henley and trousers. 

Or maybe it was the lack of animosity in the man’s bearing as he slowly made his way over to Harry. 

“Harry, I’ve found you.”

The man, who was Voldemort but not really voldemort reached out and in a faster than normal motion, blocked the hex Dumbledore sent his way. 

“Tom.” Dumbledore said warningly, stepping toward them. Voldemort smiled. 

“Albus.”

A half step and Voldemort tossed Harry over his shoulder and portkey;d them out. 

* * *

“What...the bloody hell was that??”

Ah yes, that was where his rage went. 

After barely managing from puking his guts out from the portkey travel - both memories and how wretched wizarding travel is - Harry managed to shore up a bit of anger at being summarily being kidnapped by the Dark Lord. 

“I kidnapped you,” Voldemort replied with a shrug, still with a human face on. 

“No shite Sherlock! Why the -when the- how in the bloody hell do you have a nose now???”

Volmort, the tit, scratched the side of his very much existant nose and said, 

“Magic.”

Harry doesn’t quite remember what happened after that - he may have sworn, thrown whatever he had on him at Voldemort and called the man a bunch of unspeakable names - or all three but somehow, some way, he wound up in a little cottage with Voldemort, tucked into a nest of blankets, tea in hand. 

“Why? Why me?” Harry whispered, his voice hoarse.

“Because you are special to me and I need to make sure you stay alive and well taken care of” Voldemort didn’t even have a scratch on him, the wanker. 


	2. Chapter 2

“So beyond kidnapping me, what do you even have planned?” Harry sat back in his chair, finally having disentangled himself from the nest of blankets Voldemort had cocooned him in.

Tom sat back and thought about it. He had a plan. A mad plan. It could go either way depending on how he presented it. 

Fuck it. 

“Potter, you wouldn’t happen to know what a Horcrux is?”

“If it involves you then I feel like I don’t want to know.” Came the snarky reply back. 

“A horcrux is a container for a piece of the human soul. The creator of the horcrux is immortal as long as the horcrux exists.”

For a few beats Harry stared at him in confused horror. 

“What...what does this have to do with me?”

“Isn’t it a bit obvious? Our mental connection, your ability to speak parseltongue, marked ability to not die when you should - you are my horcrux I unintentionally created when I attempted to kill you when you were a baby.”

There were a lot of reactions that could come from this announcement. Shock, tears, fainting. 

Tom had to admit, he wasn’t ready for the one Harry chose:

Rage. Blinding, immediate _rage._

“What in the name of Merlin’s saggy testicle is WRONG WITH YOU? WHO THE BLOODY HELL THINKS OF DIVVYING UP THEIR SOUL LIKE CANDY AND PLACING IT IN THINGS LIKE A FUCKED UP EASTER BUNNY???”

Tom blinked while Harry continued his rant - thankfully not tossing things but clearly, demonstrably angry. He paced the room like a caged tiger that happened to have arms to flail about as he made his points.

“Oh look at me I am posh tosser who can make my name sound edgy in french - tee hee he I am a fucking dark lord. Let me divide my soul up and sprinkle it across Britain. Let’s attack a baby who was well on his way of having a nice normal ass life and fucking use it as Tupperware for my soul!”

There has to be something wrong with him because Tom actually was finding this funny.

“Let me be an insane nutter and throw away my good looks and even better mind and waste it all on being immortal and for what?! An army of inbred aristocrats who had a hard time fighting school aged children and has a stick so far up their arses it’s visible if they open their mouths wide enough!”

“In my defense, I was afraid of death.”

“MOST PEOPLE WRITE BOOKS OR GO TO THERAPY IF THEY FEAR DEATH YOU ABSOLUTE GIT”

Harry tossed his nest of blankets at Tom who caught it one armed and managed to set his tea down with spilling it.

“Harry…”

“Do you not realise how much bullshit I have to put up with because of you. That poncey fucker Malfoy, Snape sticking his big nose in every damn thing and being a prick, Dumbledore’s uselessness and incessant TWINKLING.”

“Harry.”

“And now Sirius is DEAD so I have to go back to the fucking Dursleys and if I do I am murdering everyone and myself because fuck this shit -”

“HARRY!”

“WHAT?!”

“You can’t die.”

Harry stared at him, his right eye rather violently twitching. 

“I _wot_?”

“You cannot die. Mostly. It takes quite a bit to destroy a horcrux. Aside from that, you are my last horcrux and I have no intention of becoming mortal, my other intentions and plans notwithstanding.”

“So you just plan to keep me in a box or cage somewhere so I can’t get hurt?”

“No. I’m offering you a home.”

“What?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intentions of making this far more serious. Horcruxes are heavy stuff. But then I got in a fuck it kind of move and we all know what goes on when that happens.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry stared at Voldemort completely nonplussed. Offer him a home? He wiped a hand down his face with a groan.

“I get that you may have some outdated intelligence on me but I am not 13 anymore and just offering me a place to stay will not make me immediately jump on it.”

Voldemort, for his part, only smirked.

“Aside from that, the last person who offered me a home is very much dead thanks to bloody Bellatrix so excuse me for not being excited about your oh so generous offer.”

“You know, if you weren’t such a brat and Severus such a git, you two would get along very well - about the same level of snark the both of you.”

“I’m very much insulted.”

“Dragging this back to the point, I do wish to offer you shelter. From my own observations, your home life is less than ideal and the other options just as boorish. Aside from that I do very much wish for you to be safe.” Voldemort relaxed back in his chair.

“I would be a lot safer if a certain madman had, you know, let me be.” Harry flung back but Voldemort waved him off.

“We cannot keep rehashing the past Harry. It does not bode well to dwell over what should’ve been and could’ve been. We move forward.”

“And leave ashes in our wake.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“I was being sarcastic, you absolute walnut.” Harry took a breath and closed his eyes. After he had let out half of his steam - because, oh boy, he still had quite a bit of grievances with He Who Must Of Lost His Goddamn Mind - he was feeling marginally calmer. So he thought it over a bit more.

“What about Hogwarts?”

“I’m not stopping you from attending.”

“My friends?”

“You can visit them but you will not be able to tell them where you are over the holidays.”

“You know the Order won’t let me go wherever I like.” Harry opened his eyes and stared at the Dark Lord who shrugged.

“I can come rescue you if you like. I’m none to bother as to where you go to but you will not be stuck with the muggles nor trapped in your godfather’s house.”

Harry stared.

And stared some more.

And stared even more for good measure.

“You completely off your nut.”

“You even more so for agreeing to do this.”

Harry groaned and sat back down.

“It’s only for a year and a day. Nothing more. See if you like it and if you don’t, I will let you free to do as you like - minor stipulations attached of course.”

“You would make a great living as a used car salesman in America.” Harry buried his face in his hands. He can’t believe he was considering this.

“I’m offended.”

“So if I agree to this - aside from being away from the Dursleys - what do I get out of it?”

"I knew there was some Slytherin cunning buried deep within you somewhere."

Harry just glared at the man, not rising to the bait.

"Aside from the obvious of safety and a proper home, any knowledge I have you have free access to. You can ask me anything which is not something I grant to many if any at all."

Harry turned this over in his mind - Tom Riddle was a genius and aside from esoteric ritual knowledge, he had a lot of knowledge at Harry's disposal. It would be like having another Hermoine that was not naggy and not as enamored with rules and authority figures.

"What are you going to do with the Death Eaters?"

"Disband them." Voldemort shrugged. At Harry's gape, he elaborated. "I have no use for them and I did do my part as their lord to break out the ones trapped in Azkaban. They are on their own at this point."

"You're not even going to take advantage of the political ones like Malfoy?"

"No. I plan to be a hermit. It may surprise you but I intensely dislike people in general and the less i have to deal with them the better for both myself and them. I became a Dark Lord because I wanted change but at this point, I can't bring myself to care." Voldemort walked to the kitchen, leaving Harry to muse on his words.

* * *

Tom puttered about making dinner. He really didn't mean to say that to Harry of all people.

But the more he thought on it, the more attractive the thought was. As he said he didn't have any use of the Death Eaters and he did fulfill his promise to break out his loyal from Azkaban.

He was honest about wanting to retreat within and basically become a hermit. For as far back as he could recall, he was not a people person. He preferred to curl up with a book somewhere quiet and forget the rest of the world existed.

That somehow lead to dreams of world domination and domestic terrorism but it was time to leave the past behind him and admit, deep down, that he was deeply introverted and wanted nothing more to do with neither the Wizarding Wolrd at large nor the Muggles. He just wanted to be alone.

But was it alone when your soul within another person?

He meandered over this philosophical Schrodinger's Cat, chopping vegetables and searing steaks. He wasn't much of a cook but could do a basic meat and veg.

"Need a hand?"

He looked over at the young holder of his soul, whose face was shadowed.

"Sure,, dice the potatoes."

He handed over a knife, a couple of small red potatoes and a pot to put them in. Harry grabbed another cutting board and in companionable silence, they chopped and diced, the only sound being the muted thunks on their cutting boards and the soft sizzle of meat in the fryer.

"If we are going to do this, we are going to have to be honest." Harry said as they plated up and carried the food over to the small dining table.

"Even though I doubt you have very many secrets to hide from me that I haven't found out already, I assume you have something you wish to ask?" Tom asked as he summoned wine and mead from the cold chest. He didn't keep juice or butterbeer in stock so Harry will just have to drink mead or water.

"Why my parents?"

Tom uncorked the wine, poured it then took a sip.

"There was a prophecy."

* * *

After hearing the prophecy that damned him - in full now since Voldemort had snuck in before the little battle to hear it - Harry did what any rational person would upon hearing such things.

He calmly put his drink down and equally as calmly starting throwing the steak knives at Voldemort.

Sure, his aim wasn't the best and Voldemort largely vanished most of them with a wave of his wand but it was the thought that counts.

"WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY SO MANY COMPLETE NUTTERS???"

A rather heavy dose of Calming drought later - Voldemort grumbled something about having to replenish his supply - Harry found himself tucked once more in a cocoon of blankets though this time he had no plans of leaving it for the next millennium.

"You lot are fucking idiots and I can't decide which one is the king of stupid town that wears the stupid crown." Harry said finally, voice hoarse and passion gone.

"I wouldn't say that in so many words but yes, it was quite an idiotic endeavor in retrospect that lead to the death of your parents, imprisonment of your godfather and myself a bodiless phantom for over a decade."

"One of these things just doesn't belong here." Harry sang softly to himself.

"As it were, that is what happened. I am unsure how the curse managed to rebound from you to me - perhaps a hidden ritual your mother had enacted or maybe the promise I made to Severus to spare your mother was strong enough to be considered an unbreakable vow - we may never know. But those are the facts as I know them." Voldemort crossed a leg over his knee, contemplatively looking into the fire.

"Have you lot considered therapy? Like real serious therapy with like heavy anti-psychotics and padded walls and straitjackets?" Harry said a fairly mild tone.

"Magical people don't really have that, Harry." Voldemort replied, a small smile winging up the corner of his lips.

"They should."

* * *

The rest of their evening was mostly pleasant with Harry putting off giving a definitive answer until he had slept on it and wasn't so heavily drugged.

Tom agreed, no matter how much it amused him to see harry with a subdued calmness that did nothing to dull the boy's dry often on point humor, he wanted to start as he meant to go on and that meant having consent and being of sober mind.

So with that, they went to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta work day shift this week!!!! /sobs in corner


	4. Chapter 4

Awake once more and free of the calming potion, Harry thought. 

And thought. 

And thought. 

And considered that maybe, just maybe, he was mental. 

He actually considered Tom’s plan a good plan. Mad, yes, but a good plan that will get him away from the Dursleys and the bloody Order and just everyone. 

Mostly everyone. 

And that mostly everyone was who he wanted to avoid. He had a very tiny circle of people he actually, you know, loved and trusted. And that ones that hasn’t been flung into the fucking Veil were all present at the Department of Mysteries fight. 

He rolled over onto his stomach, thoughts turning over as well. 

Who was it he trusted, really?

Hermione and Ron sprang to mind but Hermione would absolutely put rules and authority figures over him 7/10 and Ron had a jealousy streak a mile long. Did he hate them? No. Did he trust them? Eh….

Luna came to mind and he could immediately say that he trusted her to keep his secrets. A little odd but not in a way that made him fear she was mad or anything. 

Neville was also a trusted one since he, like Harry, had lost his parents indirectly to the Dark Lord and really he was just a good bloke all around if timid. Still not a bad guy to keep close. 

He did very much like the twins as friends although they can be a bit much for him sometimes. Also with them graduating [in the most mental way possible], he will see even less of them. Worth keeping in touch with regardless. 

Everyone else he knew were either Order members, teachers or just randoms that just didn’t have an impact on his life. Even Lupin who was fine in his 3rd year, completely ghosted him and never got back in contact only to play co-parent with Sirius. He needed someone more stable than that. 

Could Voldemort be that stability?

If Last Year Harry got a hint that This Year Harry was mulling over this question, there was sure to be a fight.

* * *

“So I thought on it and-”

“You think my plan has merit.”

“You can fuck right off with that mind reading shite.” Harry ignored Voldemort’s snort of amusement and got himself some bacon and eggs. No point in making life changing choices on an empty stomach. 

“We could draw it out if you like and you can wibble over your choices as much as you like but honestly, I would rather get to the point and keep the grandstanding to a minimum.” Tom said drily. Harry quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“Such a swift turnabout from last year.”

“Getting a new body from graverobbing, mutilation and blood of your enemy is a brag worthy accomplishment.” Tom retorted over Harry’s eye roll. 

“If you say so. I’m assuming you are not going to suddenly become good and light, huh?”

“I haven’t had a Damascus moment so no. Little less murder, a little more subtle manipulation. Again, I just don’t like people so I can’t be arsed to get close enough to get them to do what I want. I’m antisocial, not a sociopath.” Tom took a sip of tea, twirling his wand in his other hand to silently summon a scroll that landed neatly next to Harry’s plate. “Here is the contract of terms of our relationship.”

“Oh Voldie, you romantic.”

“Fuck off you little shit.”

With a grin, Harry opened the scroll and started to read. Mercifully, Tom kept the terms pretty simple = a year and a day, Harry James Potter will be the ward of one Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. He [Tom] will be tasked with feeding and clothing and housing Harry when he was not at Hogwarts and see to him learning whatever Harry requests of him. Tom was not allowed to sway nor intimidate Harry into becoming a Death Eater or dark wizard unless his magic is so inclined -

“If my magic is so inclined? You think my magic could be dark?”

“It’s a possibility. You have been exposed to my horcrux for multiple years as your magic developed to the point that you have some of my abilities like Parseltongue which is a bloodline only ability. You are quite good with Defence which leans more dark grey than anything else and you have an unusually strong skill with fire based spells. You may very well be a light wizard but it wouldn’t surprise me or anyone else who has an ounce of sense that your magic is more dark inclined.” Tom finished that off with a shrug before standing to wash his dishes. 

“Er, right then.” Harry mentally shook himself and went back to reading the contract. 

Tom has the power of a parent and if need be could withdraw Harry from Hogwarts -

“Really?!”

“Hogwarts, as you well know, is not the only magical school and is also not the only magical school in Britain. I can just as easily send you to a smaller school like the one in wales and bring in a tutor or teach you myself with any gaps you wished to cover.”

“Why is this the first time I have heard of any other british schools?”

“Aside from Dumbledore wanting to isolate you and to narrow down your choices, Hogwarts for all of its failings is a school for the elite. Elite as in power. The top 10% of the British Wizarding public attends there and the rest attend smaller schools or homeschool. It's like Eton versus other schools in London with the exception being that if you are on the higher end of the power scale, you are required to attend Hogwarts to the OWLs level minimum so you can control your magic. Past that, you are free to go wherever you like.”

Harry went silent for a bit, his brow furrowed. 

“Not everyone in Hogwarts is powerful.”

“True. for a good amount, it is a thing of prestige and their parents pay the tuition plus fees to get their children a spot there. Case in point, I know Crabbe and Goyle have children there and their family has been attending for centuries. They are not powerful nor particularly rich but the families they are vassal to - notably the Malfoys - subsidize the fees and lower their cost to a manageable level just so Malfoy Jr can have his own bodyguards at hand that are his same age.”

Harry sat quietly and Tom left him to read more of the contract. But his mind wasn’t on that. It wasn’t on that at all. 

The wizarding world worked in quiet ways he didn’t think of nor knew of. He both wanted to learn more and was infuriated that neither no one told him nor had he thought to research it himself. 

He had choices. Options. Paths opened up to him now that he knew they were available. Even if he decided to return to Hogwarts, things were different since he had someone in his corner to let him know about things. 

And that felt great. 

Without hesitation, he scanned the rest of the contract and signed it. There was an odd burst in the back of his mind. Voldemort was...relieved?

Was he worried that Harry wouldn’t sign the contract?

“I do need to teach you better handwriting and this seems like the best chance to do it.”

“I cannot say this enough but fuck off.”

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was not having a good day. 

On one hand his position was restored, Umbridge ousted and the Minister knows of Voldemort’s return...sort of. 

This brings up the other hand - Voldemort kidnapped Harry whilst looking like a normal wizard. No red eyes, distorted features, nothing that marks him. Even his aura wasn’t malevolent and that hadn’t been suppressed since Tom was a 7th year. 

So it stands to reason that Cornelius is convinced that there has been Death Eater activity but Voldemort has not returned. 

At the very least there is a notice among the Auror department that Harry is missing but that is on the hush hush. Articles about Harry where he was marked as liar have been retracted and apologies issues along with articles about Malfoy being arrested. 

So he’s having a very not good but not horrible day. 

Adding to this lovely mix is Molly. He did so adore her cooking and she was quite a strong witch. 

But by Merlin she can be a banshee when it comes to her children and those she has adopted like Harry. 

On top of her own children being injured - Albus made a mental note to pay for Ron’s stay in St Mungo’s - she was beyond angry that Harry has been kidnapped by Voldemort of all people. 

“And why can’t we find him?! Doesn’t he have the Trace and I am beyond sure you have some kind of tacking on him!”

“Molly perhaps we need to give Albus some time to think on this and maybe even activate the precautions he has in place.” To an untrained ear, Arthur’s words were placid if not outright meek. But Albus could understand the unspoken warning to tread lightly for you are on very thin ice.

Many think that Molly is the one who reins in the twins. Oh no, it was Arthur. Forget not tickling a dragon, don’t poke a sleeping lion. 

Molly huffed and sat down while Albus took a seat as well. Without looking, his gadgets let him know that the school was fine, Harry was alive and that there was no immediate vilent uprising he had to worry about. 

But that didn’t tell him where Harry was. 

For all he projected a wizard with his shit together and omnipresent, really he had a rather muggle approach to things: he had spies everywhere. 

Spies in the ministry, in Hogwarts, in Diagon alley. Specially placed people like Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher. Not just to keep an eye on young Harry and his activities but also to keep his ear to the ground for any dark developments or uprisings to squash. 

This network is great but completely useless if Voldemort - now human and oh so young looking - just carried Harry off and apparated away. The young dark lord had not gone to any of the places Albus kept an eye on nor had he called his Death Eaters to gloat. 

It was almost as if…

Those were thoughts for later. He had Weasleys to appease. 

“From what I can divine, Harry is alive and in relatively good health. There was a spike of stress a bit ago but he seems fine now. I admit to being unable to figure out what Tom is up to at this time since he seems to be lying low and has not called any of his Death Eaters nor has he gone to any of his hiding spots I know of.”

Molly’s lips thinned but he figured she will have to take that little nugget that Albus had offered. 

“Fine but try for something more substantial tomorrow, Albus. Come on Arthur, we have children to scold.” Molly stood to leave, he husband rising as well with an amused tilt of his lips. 

“This time, let’s make sure they are awake this time.”

The couple left and Albus let out a breath. 

Yes, this was turning out to be a hell of a day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new laptop...does anyone read these?
> 
> We are actually getting to the plot of this. I can't promise more steak knives throwing insanity but yeah it should still be pretty funny. I had a whole page of shit about Hogwarts and how it is run and deleted it because this series is supposed to be comedy dammit. I'll probably fit it into another story. 
> 
> Have you read The Benefits of Old Laws? Yeah Tom and Harry's relationship is not so much the opposite of that but none of that father son fluffiness. This is more the cat you adopted that is cute but also pisses on your shoes out of spite. Antagonistic but you would feel like a bastard to kick them out. 
> 
> Side note: I noticed some long thought dead ficts updating and got excited. 
> 
> Anyway, see yall next update.


End file.
